You may be wondering why I have not written for several months, and what exactly has happened to me-did I escape? Have I still got my fortune? Will I get to marry Lord Primark? Does my hair still look fabulous, despite having minimum access to styling products? Well, all shall be revealed.
The conditions I was kept it, were, to put it bluntly, squalid. I only received four square meals a day, and the troupe of dancing monkeys sent to entertain me were ropey at best. The little ones rendition of the Moonlight sonata on soozaphone was dull, choppy, and lacked real emotion.
After screaming daintily, and realising it had no effect, I saw my only way to survive would be to knaw my own arm off. Unfortuantly, my little ladies teeth were too weak. On day 58 (or maybe 24, I've never had any need to be good at sums) Lord Primark finally decided to rescue me. Bursting into the room impressively, he brandished his sword.
"Ive come to recuse your money! Er, I mean you, honey!" He cried, twirling his moutache impressivly. I was all very impressive. I was impressed. At that moment, my uncle burst in, and the two began to fight firecly, swords clashing, the sound of steel ringing in the air. They lunged, they parried, they changed there shoes and went for a walk, and afterwards we all had tea on the lawn. Then, back to the fight!
"The only person" panted lord Primark "who should have Lady Emily's money" he thurst his sword "is-me!"
"You are wrong, sir!" cried my Uncle, but suddenly, Lord Primark threw out a final blow, knocking my uncles sword from his hand. We dashed from the room, and jumped into Lord Primarks sports carriage.
"Why didnt you just kill him?" I asked, as we sped away
"Oh, well. My father and his father are in buisness together. He's coming round to dinner on sunday, It seemed rather impolite."
"Did you really mean what you said about loving me and my money?" I asked hopefully, but he had his headphones in and was listening to his Ukid, a portable street urchin who can remember and sing up to 500 songs. Ah, well, I thought, watching the passing world, and the small squirrel's being pulped to patte by the carriages wheels, you cant have it all.
On a lighter note, I have discovered that in my abscene, the Tories have come to power, hip hip hoorah! As you may know, they have a wonderful policy on stamping on poor people, ruining trade industries, taking away childrens milk, and hoarding all the countries money for the elite. Which, as you know, includes me! I do love democracy, and if I had the vote ( disgusting as that may be) I would certinetly vote Tory every time-Tory-the party for rich bastards! Hoorah and three cheers for the Queen!
Although I fear that this may not be the end of my encounters with my uncle, but right now, I have a wedding to plan, just as soon as Lord Primark proposes! Must dash, I have to de-hair my ear lobes before the dinner dance tonight