Wednesday, 21 April 2010

21 April 1873


Dear reader, as I write these words, you must brace yourself for a shock-i have been cruelly imprisoned by my Uncle, as I knew I would!

It all happened exactly like this-sitting in a covent garden tea room, I was taking tea with Lord Primark yesterday. It was a beautiful day, and I was enjoying a weasel and marmalade scone while Lord Primark chose prostitutes from a catalogue.

All of a sudden, I noticed a dark and shadowy figure lurking behind some shrubbery. I did not wish to alarm Lord Primark, but I had a horrible feeling that it could be none other Than My uncle, the Count Of Morrisons (and owner of that well known food emporium for the poor). As my Uncle lurked closer, Lord Primark stood up and announced that he must leave me while he emptied his bladder. I did not wish to scare him, but I also did not wish to be left alone, so I implored him to stay with me and laugh at the small children who were eating out of a gutter. This amused him for a while, but soon he grew tired (he has a collection of small children at home which he regularly beats, it not as if he needs to go out to see any)

"Please stay!" I cried, as he rose once again

"No, woman, im desperate for a piss! God, its like being married already! Oh, the shackles of oppression!" He cried, as he padlocked me to the table so that i wasnt stolen while he was away.

Once he had dissapeared, my uncle leapt out from behind the bushed, cackling, and holding up a tiny kitten made of rainbow. Dear reader, I feel sure that you will be all too aware that this was too much for my womanly heart to resist, and in a moment i was off in pursuit of said kitten, dragging the table behind me. The Count placed the kitten strategically in front of the shrubs, and, as i bent down to pick it up, the villian rushed out and stuck a paper bag over my head!

Reader, I was completly powerless! As you must know, once a lady has a paper bag on her head, she is completly at the mercy of her attacker!

It was removed some time later, and I found myself in a room of dreadful squalor. A large ornate mirror, several cushioned chairs, and a window overlooking a lake-honestly, i cannot imagine the sort of conditions plebs must endure on a daily basis if they are forced to inhabit rooms such as this.

As I write this, I am waiting for my Uncle to return and reveal his evil plan to me (as all the best villians must). Oh, I hear footsteps-wish me luck reader, I have only a tiny kitten and a brain made of wool to protect me!

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Tuesday, 13 April 1873

Dear reader,

How exciting, elections almost upon us! We all know what that means, yes? Thats right, not voting!

I love not voting. Every year, on election day, I can wake up, put on a frilly dress, go down to polls, and hang around sighing and saying loudly, "oh! If only I could vote!" Until a handsome man comes up and says "You poor, dear, sweet little thing, i'll have to take you out to tea".

Now reader, dont worry yourself, of course I dont really want to vote! I'm a woman, it would make me giddy and id probably faint trying to choose between the whigs and the tories, both parties full of lovely gentlemen with lovely moustaches. I dont know what their policies are, mind you, but im pretty sure they involve stamping on poor people, hoorah!

Lord Primark says he is having trouble deciding which party to vote for- The Whigs, who have given him £7000, or the Tories, who have given him a small house in Buckinghamshire. Oh, politics!

Anyway, must dash, im having badger for lunch and I dont want it getting cold! Afterwards, meeting Lord Primark so we can throw stale beef at urchins in the park.

No sign of my Uncle for a while begginning to worry he may have an evil plan afoot....

Till next time!